Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
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business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
john wicks are toilet candles
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.