[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
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Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I have never related to a cat more
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!