RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
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if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend