I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.