Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
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My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.