Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
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i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Nice try, poison.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
want me to check your oil?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master