It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.