For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me