If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
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Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.