Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
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I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide