Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
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Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.