Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
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I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
This trial is so absurd 😭