[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.