I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
🙋♀️
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
No, I don’t think I will.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.