Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
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My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
accurate
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.