Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I hate my earbuds.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running