Ummm
You Might Also Like
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I am a gravy boat captain
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.