employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?