A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
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[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.