I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Pat is about to own someone
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.