I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.