Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Accurate
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Beware…..
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
where’s Godzilla when we need him
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Current mood: Potato
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.