“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.