Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
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The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body