Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My sex drive has a dui