My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.