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Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her