I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I’m putting together a team
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good