“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
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My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
This was my dad’s browser history.
Nothing to do, you say?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.