I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
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They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Put the is in disheveled
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.