if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
You Might Also Like
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little鈥hat’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Sorry we鈥檙e late, my kid thought he couldn鈥檛 go to school with hiccups
for all #parents out there
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me: I can鈥檛 afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I鈥檒l just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Please don鈥檛 block me 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 馃槓
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Friend: *crying* I鈥檝e been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.