My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
guys I’m going home
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot