Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My wedding will be open casket.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out