ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.