Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
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17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.