I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
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That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Have a lovely day 😊
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.