My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.