this post was so formative to me
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”