A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Beware…..
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?