“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
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“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this