Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
You Might Also Like
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.