[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
🏙👨🏼