I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
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I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.