I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant