[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Not recommended for beginners.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Ovenable?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”