My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed