*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
What do you hear?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.