If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
You Might Also Like
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Try and stop me.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
This bar smells like my childhood.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”