*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Baller is short for ballerina
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over