[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
You Might Also Like
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Investing in beetcoin
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it